So today was a bad day. I just felt like staying in bed and sleeping the whole day away. But, the kids needed to eat and needed to get ready, so the robot version of me went to work.
I am not whole. I am not perfect. I am tired. But, I am a mom. So, here I am, staring at myself, incomplete as I am, knowing I somehow have to work my way through this a day at a time. I need to be there for my kids. I need to grieve in the most healthy way possible. And sometimes I am just not in the mood.
The thing that I find most difficult about grieving, is the amount of thought it takes from me. I feel like I have had to magnify my own self-awareness to superpower strength sometimes. These are some of the thoughts I have in the course of a day…..
Am I allowing myself to feel emotions, the good the bad and the ugly?
Am I feeling too much?
Am I am repressing them?
Is this a numb day, where I don’t feel anything?
Am I thinking too much about things that are not healthy to think about anymore?
Am I only thinking of myself?
Am I not taking care of myself?
Am I playing enough with the kids?
Am I talking about Emilie too much?
Am I talking about Emilie too little?
Round and round and round it goes. More and more thoughts. Juggling all the “too much” and “not enough”s. Some days I just want to nap.
Words sometimes are so inadequate to describe the intensity in which I miss that little girl. She was my best friend. She was my playmate. She was my daughter. She was so many, many things to me. I just miss her. And this is my reality.