A Little Release

We just arrived home tonight from a much needed get away. Our little trip was really wonderful and couldn’t have helped more. We were around the most loving, sweet people you could ever meet. Just amazing. I wish I could have brought them all home with me. Lucky for us, the monster snow storm that hit the Northeast this weekend delayed our returning home an extra two days. Honestly, I wasn’t feeling nervous about returning home like I did when coming home from Utah, but strangely,  I had a lot of the same reactions when we did. I have been sitting in front of my computer for the last five minutes just sobbing and I don’t even know why. Coming home just feels overwhelming.

Madeline said something to me today that gave me a new goal for the week. She said to me, “Mom, I don’t remember what Emilie looks like anymore.” My heart broke as I realized, in all my efforts to write and preserve memories, I have let this slip my mind. My house is literally a blank canvas. Bare walls as far as the eyes can see. Not a single family picture on our walls. I admit I lack direction in decorating wall space. We have been spending so much time remodeling our house the idea of damaging my new walls has left me a little slow to take the plunge. This week however, I am going to do it. I am going to hang pictures on my walls. I know seeing Emilie’s sweet face is warming to my heart, but it is also so emotional.

Emotions are powerful things. Sometimes it is hard to fully understand them. They come and go as they please, leaving a deep trail behind them. I sometimes try to understand my emotions but most of the time I don’t. I understand that it is because I have to feel what I need to feel and just let it out.

It is one thing to go through these struggles myself, but a whole lot harder to watch my children experience it. This morning I held a crying daughter in my arms as she wept for the sister gone from her life. I knew what she was feeling and I couldn’t take the pain away from her. She cried and I let her. I rocked her and hugged her and let her vent her feelings. As a mom, it breaks my heart but I could see immediately the change in her when she was done. She took a deep breath, smiled, and left to play. I could see the weight lifted off of her. I know that feeling too. I feel the same thing at night after Robbie and I have our daily updates with each other in bed before we go to sleep. It’s a time when we don’t hold back and we let out all the thoughts and feelings that have consumed us for the day. I love my husband for that. I love that we can be that support for each other. I am thankful that he is so willing to express what is in his heart with me. I thank a loving Heavenly Father for the gift of a perfect companion in my life. I am grateful every day for him and for my family.

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