Make a Wish

So I have decided there is a definite pattern, all holidays are now just awful.  And yesterday, Valentines day,  was no exception.  I felt so much more than just emotional, I felt a lot of anger.  I hate anger days.  It takes so much energy for me to hold it together.  It is like there is a monster building inside of me.  I can literally feel him there.  He makes it so hard for me to concentrate and to be normal.  I have to focus so hard to just have a normal conversation with someone. So yesterday, I decided I would finally try to let the monster out.   I needed to vent out some of this emotion without freaking my kids out.  I went into my room, closed the door and took a deep breath.  I laid on my bed and screamed my guts out into a pillow for a minute or so.  When my voice couldn’t take it anymore, I rolled over and looked up at the ceiling.  I laid there in silence, just wondering, “Did it work?  Do I feel any better?”.  An image of me screaming popped  in my head.  It looked so funny, I couldn’t help but smile a bit.  So, all in all, I guess it worked, for a minute at least.

I don’t know why, but Robbie and I decided to go to the mall (one of our least favorite places to go) on an already difficult day.  I had to return something to a store and Robbie was in desperate need of some new levi’s (He had a fresh new rip in his only pair, yes I said only pair.  The man rarely wears pants).    Robbie was entertaining the girls by the indoor fountain while I ran into the first store by myself.   After I finished my return, I came out of the store and looked up and immediately froze.  In front of me stood a little girl who looked just like Emilie.  It caught me so off guard, I had to catch my breath.  I knew it wasn’t Emilie, but my reaction was so automatic.  Shaken a bit, I headed over to Robbie and the girls.  As I approached them, I could hear Robbie explaining to the girls that he didn’t have any change in his pockets.  I knew immediately that Madeline and Samantha had been begging their dad for a coin to  throw into the fountain, so they could make a wish.

Emilie and I had this inside joke about wishes.  It all began when she turned four years old.  After blowing out her birthday candles, I asked her what she had wished for.  She didn’t want to tell me for fear that it would not come true.  I prodded her a bit more, knowing it wouldn’t take much.  She giggled and said, “I wished that our family will be a family forever”.  My heart stopped.  What four year old thinks with an eternal perspective?  I thought for sure she was going to wish for some new toy or that she would someday become a princess.  I was so taken back.  When I asked her why, she simply said, “Because I love our family and I always want us to be together.”

I didn’t expect that this wish would stick with Emilie, but it did.  Without fail, every time I would ask her about a wish, I always got the same response.  She would sigh, look at me like I had just asked the most obvious question and say, “Mom, I already told you what I always wish for……remember……its always the same!”

As we walked passed the water fountain for the second time yesterday, I pulled out three pennies.  I gave one to each of the girls to make a wish, and then I made my own.  I am grateful for my knowledge of eternal families.  I can’t wait for the day I can be whole again.  To hold her and be with her.  It just seems impossible to have the patience to wait that long.