So I have decided there is a definite pattern, all holidays are now just awful. And yesterday, Valentines day, was no exception. I felt so much more than just emotional, I felt a lot of anger. I hate anger days. It takes so much energy for me to hold it together. It is like there is a monster building inside of me. I can literally feel him there. He makes it so hard for me to concentrate and to be normal. I have to focus so hard to just have a normal conversation with someone. So yesterday, I decided I would finally try to let the monster out. I needed to vent out some of this emotion without freaking my kids out. I went into my room, closed the door and took a deep breath. I laid on my bed and screamed my guts out into a pillow for a minute or so. When my voice couldn’t take it anymore, I rolled over and looked up at the ceiling. I laid there in silence, just wondering, “Did it work? Do I feel any better?”. An image of me screaming popped in my head. It looked so funny, I couldn’t help but smile a bit. So, all in all, I guess it worked, for a minute at least.
I don’t know why, but Robbie and I decided to go to the mall (one of our least favorite places to go) on an already difficult day. I had to return something to a store and Robbie was in desperate need of some new levi’s (He had a fresh new rip in his only pair, yes I said only pair. The man rarely wears pants). Robbie was entertaining the girls by the indoor fountain while I ran into the first store by myself. After I finished my return, I came out of the store and looked up and immediately froze. In front of me stood a little girl who looked just like Emilie. It caught me so off guard, I had to catch my breath. I knew it wasn’t Emilie, but my reaction was so automatic. Shaken a bit, I headed over to Robbie and the girls. As I approached them, I could hear Robbie explaining to the girls that he didn’t have any change in his pockets. I knew immediately that Madeline and Samantha had been begging their dad for a coin to throw into the fountain, so they could make a wish.
Emilie and I had this inside joke about wishes. It all began when she turned four years old. After blowing out her birthday candles, I asked her what she had wished for. She didn’t want to tell me for fear that it would not come true. I prodded her a bit more, knowing it wouldn’t take much. She giggled and said, “I wished that our family will be a family forever”. My heart stopped. What four year old thinks with an eternal perspective? I thought for sure she was going to wish for some new toy or that she would someday become a princess. I was so taken back. When I asked her why, she simply said, “Because I love our family and I always want us to be together.”
I didn’t expect that this wish would stick with Emilie, but it did. Without fail, every time I would ask her about a wish, I always got the same response. She would sigh, look at me like I had just asked the most obvious question and say, “Mom, I already told you what I always wish for……remember……its always the same!”
As we walked passed the water fountain for the second time yesterday, I pulled out three pennies. I gave one to each of the girls to make a wish, and then I made my own. I am grateful for my knowledge of eternal families. I can’t wait for the day I can be whole again. To hold her and be with her. It just seems impossible to have the patience to wait that long.