A Sick Babe

The first few days after Emilie passed away were a complete fog to me.  I remember some moments, but most things are a blur.  Sometimes I try to piece events together to somehow make sense of it all, but I just find gaping holes.  I don’t remember packing for our flight back to Utah to bury Emilie.  I don’t remember conversations or decisions I heard that took place.  Just fog.  There is one memory that I won’t forget though, because it helped me more than I could have possible imagined….and that was a sick little Samantha.

The morning of our flight, Samantha had a really bad fever and was moving around like a limp rag doll.  Seeing my little girl like that somehow woke up something inside me and I was able to became a mom again.  I needed to be needed by her.  It felt good to just hold her in my arms and comfort her.  What a blessing to fly on an airplane for over five hours and have my three year old snuggle up in my arms, sleeping for the whole flight.  I have thought a lot about how much that was a healing moment for me.

Today it was Madeline’s turn to be sick.  I had a long list of to-dos that I had planned for today that were just not meant to be.  The funny thing was, it felt good.  It felt good to have a reminder of what is most important.  All those things I thought I had to get done today, didn’t get done, and it didn’t matter.  I love being a mom and it has and will always be the most rewarding job I have ever had.  Losing myself in the service of my sick little child that I care so deeply about, leaves me so uplifted.  I love being that person of comfort for them.  I am proud of all the boogers I have wiped, the throw-up I have cleaned up, and the fevers I have cooled.  It is so fulfilling.  Though I never wish for sick days, sometimes I can be thankful for them.

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