The first few days after Emilie passed away were a complete fog to me. I remember some moments, but most things are a blur. Sometimes I try to piece events together to somehow make sense of it all, but I just find gaping holes. I don’t remember packing for our flight back to Utah to bury Emilie. I don’t remember conversations or decisions I heard that took place. Just fog. There is one memory that I won’t forget though, because it helped me more than I could have possible imagined….and that was a sick little Samantha.
The morning of our flight, Samantha had a really bad fever and was moving around like a limp rag doll. Seeing my little girl like that somehow woke up something inside me and I was able to became a mom again. I needed to be needed by her. It felt good to just hold her in my arms and comfort her. What a blessing to fly on an airplane for over five hours and have my three year old snuggle up in my arms, sleeping for the whole flight. I have thought a lot about how much that was a healing moment for me.
Today it was Madeline’s turn to be sick. I had a long list of to-dos that I had planned for today that were just not meant to be. The funny thing was, it felt good. It felt good to have a reminder of what is most important. All those things I thought I had to get done today, didn’t get done, and it didn’t matter. I love being a mom and it has and will always be the most rewarding job I have ever had. Losing myself in the service of my sick little child that I care so deeply about, leaves me so uplifted. I love being that person of comfort for them. I am proud of all the boogers I have wiped, the throw-up I have cleaned up, and the fevers I have cooled. It is so fulfilling. Though I never wish for sick days, sometimes I can be thankful for them.