Holidays have been notoriously difficult for me and I knew Easter was not going to be any easier. I had been going out of my way for weeks just to avoid seeing the beautiful Easter dresses for sale at all the department stores. It still seems so unnatural and wrong to buy everything in twos now instead of three.
For this holiday I tried to keep myself focused though. I tried to concentrate on why I was so grateful for Easter and how much the resurrection now means to me. But still, watching the girls look through their baskets Sunday morning felt so empty.
We had church first thing in the morning, so after the girls looked at their baskets, we all quickly scrambled to get dressed. I went into my room to get ready and to privately compose myself away from the girls. Samantha was already dressed in her Easter dress and was running through the house laughing and playing. I heard Robbie ask her if she wanted some music to dance to and she squealed a loud yes. A few seconds later one of Robbie’s favorite hymns was playing, Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing.
As this sweet song filled the house, I found myself being pulled towards it. I stopped what I was doing and walked out into our hallway. I saw my beautiful little Samantha by herself, swaying and twirling to the music. In that moment, something happened to me. This warmth of peace and comfort took over my whole body and I felt her. I felt Emilie. It was so clear and so strong. I breathed it in. Grateful tears came pouring out of me and I felt such a release. All the pain and hurt for that moment was gone. Madeline came running out of her room and joined in with Samantha. Robbie walked up next to me and wrapped his arms around my waist and we watched the girls dance together. For that moment, we were there together as a family.
Losing Emilie has been difficult. I never knew such a pain was possible. But, that Easter morning I was so grateful for the gift I was given. A chance to let go of that pain for just one minute …..and then to feel my baby again. My sweet Emilie.