A Toe in the Water

My life has changed in such strange ways.  Simple things that once were so easy…. feel complicated.  Simple things… that when faced with them, make my heart beat faster.  I can’t breath, I want to throw up and somehow escape. Such a sick awful feeling for things that once seemed so… simple.  Things like sewing, back to school shopping, birthday parties and bus stops.  These were the things I used to love and look forward to and now they give me panic attacks just to think about them.  In the weeks that followed Emilie’s death, my list of simple things I couldn’t bring myself to do seemed endless.  The list is getting shorter now, but I have definitely learned my lesson about not rushing myself into anything without being emotionally prepared.  Sometimes even the most simple task seems to take months to finally accomplish.

Last Tuesday was a such a beautiful day and the girls and I spent the day outside playing.  Poor Robbie was at work and couldn’t enjoy it.  I decided to take advantage of the nice weather and clean out the garage.  I looked around for things that had been piling up to donate and my eye caught Emilie’s bike hanging on the wall.  Robbie and I had been talking for months about how we wanted to eventually donate Emilie’s bike, but we just couldn’t bring ourselves to do it.  In that moment, I felt like I had it in me to finally take it down.  The girls were around the house playing and I was all by myself.  I could feel my heart racing and all the familiar panics started to creep in as I walked towards it.  I began to really pump myself up and feel so proud I was willing to take this on all by myself.  Quick like a band aid, just take the bike down.  Don’t think too much about it.  I reached up, grabbed the bike and quickly lifted it off the hook in the wall.  Crap.  The bike was stuck.  I lifted again and again…. stuck!!!

A toe in the water

Feeling a bit deflated, I looked around helplessly for something to help me.  I got so frustrated that I couldn’t do such a simple thing on my own.  Just then, the repair man who had been fixing something in my house walked by to get something out of his truck.  I quickly asked if he would be willing to help me get Emilie’s bike down.  Of course, he reached up and without any interference at all, took Emilie’s bike down and handed it to me. Over come by the moment, I looked up at this sweet man and burst into tears.  BURST into TEARS.  This poor man!  His eyes widened and I could see he didn’t know quite what to say to this sudden downpour of emotion.  I was caught off guard myself by my reaction and didn’t quite know how to respond either.  Seconds passed and he broke the silence by asking if I needed any more help and I quickly shook my head no.  I apologized for the embarrassing outburst and he shook his head and said, “Mrs. Parker, you have nothing to be sorry about.”  Then he went back into the house.

I took a deep breath and couldn’t help but laugh at myself.  Since this is not the first time something like that has happened to me, I am getting used to seeing the humor in it all.   I walked the bike over to the wall of the garage and placed it there.  I decided I needed to wait till Robbie could help me take it to the donation center.  That was a big enough step for the day!