Most people know the holidays are difficult for those who have lost loved ones.
Even saying it sounds trite because it is so commonly used it almost loses its meaning. It is intensely personal to lose a loved one close and sometimes when a stranger says something like, “Oh, I am sure Halloween is hard for you…” , I have to resist giving them a dirty look. How can someone who doesn’t know me or what my daughter was to me, try to relate to how anything I am going through really feels. Sound harsh? That was the censored version.
Of course, last year it was difficult to not have Emilie around for Halloween the first time. This year, however, I had a completely different experience. Yes, I still missed her terribly, but it was a bit different. Around holidays I always seem to get a little edgier (quick tempered, I guess is the nice way to say it). Robbie and I both have to give each other ‘the look’ to help keep us in line (so we don’t completely lose it on some unsuspecting stranger caught not putting away their grocery cart in the parking lot).
I was at the store walking down an aisle of costumes and I saw a little girl around the age Emilie would have been. It got my mind wondering which costume Emilie would have picked. I have had this conversation before… Would she have been Elsa? A princess? An artist?… and then I find myself getting angry… angry at myself. Because I should know what she would choose and I don’t. That is my job as her mom. Last year, I had a better understanding of what the seven year old Emilie would have been into, but the eight year old Emilie…I am not so sure. And that is so frustrating to me. I know it doesn’t make sense to be angry at myself for something like that, but emotions don’t always listen to logic.
Madeline decided she wanted to be an angel for Halloween. Ugh. I wasn’t a fan of the idea. I didn’t want to tell her that and I tried to be diplomatic over the decision. But when she saw the angel costume, I knew I couldn’t win. She was in love. It was beautiful! Madeline has very specific taste and knows what she likes in fashion. I am doomed.
Samantha wanted to be a pirate fairy (click here if you don’t know what that is). It fit her perfectly. A little bit of sparkle and a lot of attitude. She is so funny.
Halloween was fun. They all had a great time together. I can’t help but feel a little proud of myself each time I survive one of these traditions (and I always end up smiling too).