I have been thinking a lot about happy endings. As a child, I knew exactly what my happy ending looked like. It consisted of finding my soul mate, getting married, having children and watching them grow up and find their passions and to have a family of their own. To watch them have their own happy ending. Simple, yet so so meaningful. So what happens when your course changes? What happens when your source of happiness is taken from you? Since Emilie died I have been told by so many people so many times that my reality, the reality of having your child murdered, is their worst nightmare. It’s understandable. It was my worst nightmare too. So here I am standing, living out my worst nightmare… and I can’t help but wonder, is there still a happy ending for me? Does my life have to be defined by someone else’s choices? Is there still happiness to be found?
When Emilie was born, my life changed forever, like most new mothers. My happiness no longer rested on my needs being fulfilled, but in me being about to fulfill the needs of my child. Seeing her happy and thriving filled my soul with so much love. It was all so simple. I loved being a mother more than anything. Being a mother is a divine calling. God gave me three beautiful baby girls who are all amazing, complex and unique creatures. They each have given me so much to be grateful for. Emilie, for her creativity and endless charity. Madeline, for her conviction to being true to what makes her unique and having the courage to always try something new. Samantha, for her humor and the way she lights up the room with her excitement. True happiness is not always about the ending, instead its finding it in the everyday. It was really tough for me to come to the understanding that Emilie’s story is not one of tragedy, but one of happiness. Emilie had a wonderful wonderful six years on this earth. She made everyday beautiful. She saw the world in color and spent every moment she could trying to capture that beauty on paper to share with all around her. I know her happiness did not end the day she died. I know that. I feel it with every fiber in me. It is a beautiful life that I feel honored to be apart of. God loves Emilie and Emilie still HAS a happy life, even if it isn’t what we traditionally call happy. Being in dark places feeling the worst pain possible has a strange way of teaching you to not take for granted the light around you. Happy endings come to those who walk towards it, instead of turning their backs to it.